Steve Eighinger

Moronic lessons to be learned

By Herald-Whig
Posted: Mar. 13, 2020 12:30 am

There are three specific lessons to learn from this edition of "Morons of the Month."

In no particular order:

1. Leave the penguins alone.

2. Public restrooms are available for a reason.

3. Keep your clothes on.

I know I've said this before, but just when you think you have seen or heard of just about everything, you obviously haven't. The medal winners for this month obviously prove that:

Bronze medal

This was actually from a few years ago, but I just came across it and felt the need to share:

A pair of Welsh tourists landed themselves in court after they got drunk and stole a penguin called Dirk from Sea World in Australia.

Rhys Owen Jones, 21, and Keri Mules, 20, broke into the park, swam with the dolphins and let off a fire extinguisher in the shark enclosure before making off with Dirk.

When they woke up -- hungover and with the flightless bird in their apartment -- they tried "their incompetent best" (according to reports) to care for him by feeding him and putting him in the shower.

The two later released Dirk into a canal, but were spotted by locals who called police. A magistrate fined them 1,000 Australian dollars each, and told them to drink "a little less vodka".

And, for the record, Dirk was rescued and returned to Sea World unharmed.

Silver medal

A Michigan man was caught by police officers as he was urinating on a patrol car in St. Petersburg, Fla. Officers threw the cuffs on him -- before he finished, according to a report.

"The (defendant) was taken into custody while still in the commission of the crime," the affidavit for the arrest of David Marcel-Lewis Johnson, 26, noted.

Johnson was reportedly "uncooperative with questioning," the affidavit also said. He later pleaded not guilty to disorderly conduct and was freed after a relative posted his $250 cash bond.

Gold medal

Stefan Short was spotted in DeLand, Fla., shoplifting rib-eye steaks from a grocery store -- by shoving them down his pants.

That's about the time when the store manager started chasing Short and grabbed him, but the would-be thief wriggled out of his clothes and ran out of the store naked.

Unfortunately for Short, the cops were waiting outside.

When he would not stop as requested, the police officers used a stun gun on him, and whether accidentally or not, one of the prongs went straight into his ... well, ummm ... let's just say his lower region.

Short was hospitalized and later charged with theft and resisting arrest.

And I'm just guessing, but I imagine he'll gladly pay for those rib-eye steaks the next time.